“The trauma in the child lasts as long as the anger in their parents.”

You may be one of many parents who are faced with what may be the greatest test of parenthood – helping your children deal with the breakup of your marriage/partnering relationship and the reorganization of your family unit from a nuclear to a binuclear household. The dissolution of a marriage is stressful for all concerned: the children, parents, relatives, and friends. If the situation is handled carefully by loving parents, sensitive teachers, and concerned members of the community, many of the ill effects of separated households on children can be minimized.

Dr. Judith Wallerstein emphasizes that children need:

(1) a supportive harmonious co-parenting relationship,

(2) sensitivity and commitment of each parent to the child, and

(3) psychological and moral intactness of each parent.

Recent psychological studies found that the age and developmental stage of children play a big role in the way children react to their parents’ divorce. Parents who understand how their children are likely to react at a given age can take many constructive steps to help their children cope.

WHAT CHILDREN TELL PROFESSIONALS

“I’m afraid my parents will stop loving me so I’ll tell my Mom what I think she wants to hear and I’ll tell my Dad what I think he wants to hear. That way I’ll make them each happy and they will both love me .”

“My parents hate each other so much. Maybe they’ll hate me soon too.”

“My Daddy left me . Will Mommy leave me too?”

“My Mom says Dad is no good; Dad says Mom is no good. Maybe I’m no good.”

“I wish my Mommy and Daddy would stop fighting.”

“I don’t want to have to choose between my Mom and Dad.”

“I wish my parents would talk to each other so I don’t have to be the messenger.”

“My parents blame each other when I want to spend time with my friends during their parenting time .”

“My Mom won’t let me mention my Dad’s name in our house.”

“Sometimes I wish I could spend time with either of my parents without worrying about whose turn it is.”

QUESTIONS PARENTS ASK ABOUT CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

WHAT SHOULD I TELL MY CHILDREN?

Children want to know what will happen to them and who will care for them. Predictability leads to stability in a child’s life. Let your children know when they will see Mom/Dad again. Children fear abandon me nt and need to be assured that they will see both parents. Explain to your children that the divorce is not their fault. Children tend to blame themselves and need to be reassured that they are not responsible for the divorce.

SHOULD WE TELL OUR CHILDREN WHY WE ARE DIVORCING?

Children do not need the specific details of the divorce. The best option is to simply say, “We have decided we no longer want to be married to each other.” Remember, this is your divorce decision, not theirs. Do not put them in the middle by blaming the other parent.

DO MY CHILDREN NEED COUNSELING?

Counseling may be indicated if your children’s behavior changes or becomes inappropriate for an extended period. Divorce is a major stressor for all family members, and family therapy by a licensed family therapist is often helpful for all family members. Peer or divorce recovery groups available through the school or in the community are a good option for children. If your children have witnessed physical or emotional abuse between their parents or have been subjected to abuse themselves, counseling with a qualified child specialist is strongly recommended. Behavior changes in children are often related to parents’ actions. Your effective adjustment to the divorcing experience is the best way to help your children adjust.

WHAT MAKES SOME CHILDREN ADJUST POORLY TO DIVORCE?

Though each child and each family are unique, children often adjust poorly under the following stressors:

• continued fighting between parents, especially with ongoing litigation
• being asked to choose between parents (even unintentionally by sharing
  your disappointment or anger toward their other parent)
• losing contact with either parent
• fearing poverty
• fearing abandonment/rejection
• relaying messages between parents to keep the peace
• assuming the role of parent to relieve the distressed parent
• having no firm, consistent parental limits

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MY CHILD ADJUST TO SPENDING TIME WITH THEIR OTHER PARENT?

Be firm with your children about the importance of spending ti me with their other parent. Explain to your children what time they will be picked up and when they will be returned to your home . For younger children, use a calendar and a clock to show them when they will be with each parent. As your child gets older, be flexible about tme so that scheduled time with a parent will not interfere with your child’s other activities.

WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT DATING?

Children need time to adjust to the change of having their parents in separate homes. They many times express concern that they will be forgotten or unwanted when their parent gives attention to a new friend. Since children frequently have little time with a parent, sharing that t me is difficult. Use discretion in introducing your children to those you have chosen to date. Do not leave discipline or parental authority to a new dating friend.

QUESTIONS PARENTS MAY HAVE ABOUT SUPPORT SERVICES

WHAT IS ANGER MANAGEMENT?

Parenting Partnerships Anger Management service is a personalized approach to learning to deal with the results of behavior when you or your children become angry. You will learn to identify anger triggers, discover comfortable, appropriate ways to get in control of your anger responses without causing harm to yourself or others and you will learn skills that will help you communicate nonviolently. Even though you may be mandated into anger management your cooperation and willingness to learn new ways to handle your anger are an important component in this process.

WHAT IS CO-PARENTING EDUCATION?

Parenting Partnerships offers three formats that meet the statutory guidelines outlined and mandated by many family courts – Confident Co-parenting Online – Confident Co-parenting Class – Co-parent Facilitation

Confident Co-parenting Online is designed for parents who experience low to moderate conflict with their child’s other parent. This course includes user friendly, practical information that provides insight as to what stress and adjustment mechanisms are at work for parents and their children. Each participant receives the equivalent of four hours of instruction. When both parents take this course and heed the guidelines prior to beginning the divorce process, the process is more likely to be a successful experience.

Confident Co-parenting Class is a four-hour course designed for parents who experience low to moderate conflict with their child’s other parent. Like the online course, the class provides practical information that provides insight as to what stress and adjustment mechanisms are at work for parents and their children. This class is held once a month at our St. James Place location. Please check our Calendar for dates.

Co-parent Facilitation is not a court ordered program. On a voluntary basis one or both parents seek the support of a communication facilitator for an unspecified period of time . These services may be prompted by an agreement between both party’s and their attorneys for a specified period of ti me at any given stage of the divorce process. All meetings between parents and their facilitator are initiated by the parents. All that transpires between parties and their facilitator is confidential and cannot be used against each other in court. Anger management and the development of a parenting time plan may be included in this process.

Co-parent Facilitation is a one-to-one program designed to help parents who want more individualized information or those that consider the conflict with their child’s other parent to be moderate to severe. Whether you voluntarily decide on this format, or you are court ordered to take more than four hours of co-parenting education, this approach is more intensive and personalized, but does not replace court ordered parenting coordination.

WHAT IS PARENTING COORDINATION?

Parenting Coordination is a court ordered process. It combines family systems theory, parenting/co-parenting education and mediation services for distressed or highly conflicted families having difficulties implementing an effective co-parenting plan. The role of the parenting coordinator is to serve as a problem-solving consultant and family functioning coach to facilitate necessary family system changes. Meetings between you and your parenting coordinator are confidential and prompted by your parenting coordinator once a court order is received.

WHAT IS MEDIATION?

Mediation can be expected to be one of the steps encountered during the course of a divorce. What most people fail to understand, however, is that it can also be an effective process if used before a divorce is begun in order to find common ground, clarify goals, exchange information, or reach a tentative agreement to be included in a divorce decree. Parties should also understand that they are not at the mercy of the court or their attorney in this process. There are several types of mediation (transformative, facilitative or evaluative), mediator styles (conference or caucus), and distinct cost differences. Ask your Co-parent Facilitator or your Attorney which might work best for you and your situation.

WHAT IS A COLLABORATIVE LAW ALLIED PROFESSIONAL?

Collaborative Law is a form of dispute resolution which removes the “win at all costs” approach from divorce. In this process, parties and their attorneys contractually agree at the outset to settle their disputes without going to court. Our Family Specialists work within the Collaborative process to facilitate effective co-parenting and develop an agreeable parenting plan. The result is a less expensive, less emotionally destructive, more dignified divorce for more and more families.

Parenting Partnerships Family Specialists use an educational model to work with parents to help them:

• improve communication skills to facilitate effective co-parenting
• re-focus energy and power through education
• re-stabilize home environments
• design a parenting plan that works in the best interest of the children
• identify their goals and determine strengths they bring to assist them in reaching those goals
• look at behaviors and ways of thinking that get in the way of reaching their goals

For more information on Collaborative Law, visit: www.collablawtexas.com or www.collaborativepractice.com

POSSIBLE OUTCOMES OF SERVICES

• Empowered parents that plan their own lives and choose their own support services without giving that power to the court – all within a private process.
• Clearly defined strengths and challenges so parents can make more informed decisions about how to co-parent.
• An individualized parent education program.
• Greater success in compliance with an agreed court order.
• Optimal parental support for children experiencing the divorce process.