Parentalk Newsletter

Parenting Partnerships, Inc. provides family life education
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PARENTALK NEWSLETTER - April, 2012 

                         Getting Your Kids to Cooperate                                   by Elizabeth Pantley

 “How can I get my kids to cooperate with me?” It is the number one question, complaint and frustration in parenting. It’s a common problem from parents who must nag, beg and yell to get their children to cooperate. It often starts in the morning getting them up, fed and dressed and doesn’t end until they are finally in their pajamas and tucked into bed.

Cooperation is a titanic-sized issue because there are so many things we must get our kids to do (or not do!). If you’re waiting for your child to start cooperating of his own free will – you’ll need to change your view. Things won’t change on their own. It takes consistent, effective parenting skills to change your children’s behavior and to encourage your children to cooperate, willingly, on a regular basis. It will take practice, patience and persistence on your part. Once you’ve made a few changes in your approach, you’ll find that you’re no longer wishing for bedtime, but actually enjoying the days much more with your children.

Be specific: Don’t make general comments that hint at what you would like done, such as, “It would be nice if somebody helped me clean up.” Don’t make it sound as if compliance is optional by starting your sentence with “Will you? Could you? Would you?” or ending your sentence with, “Okay?” Make your request clear, short and specific, “Please put your dishes in the sink and wash the table.” or “It’s six o’clock. Gather your homework and come to the table.” Practice making clear statements that clearly identify what you need or that describe the problem without elaboration and lecturing.

Set Priorities: Use the “When/Then” technique, also known as Grandma’s Rule. This method simply lets your child know the sequence of his priorities. Work first/Play second. This also prevents the battles that occur when you specify the Work first part, without including the Play second part! So change the directive, “No! You can’t play on the computer, you have homework to do!” to the more pleasant: “When you have finished your homework, then you may play your new computer game.” Instead of “Put that book down and go put on your pajamas!” to: “As soon as your pajamas are on, it will be time to read your book.” Avoid saying, “Where are you going? Get in here and do these dishes!” to “The minute the dishes are done, you can go out and ride your bike.”

Give more choices: Offer your child a choice, “Would you like to sweep the floor or put away the dishes?” You can also use a sequence choice, such as, “What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?”  Another way to use choice is the time-focused choice, “Would you like to start at 8:00 or 8:15?” If a child creates his own third option, simply say, “That wasn’t one of the choices” and re-state your original question. If a child refuses to choose, you choose for him. It’s important that when you give your child a choice that he learn to live with the consequences of his decision. So if your little one is running amok in the grocery store, you can say, “You have a choice. You can walk beside me or ride in the cart.” The minute he takes off you can pick him up, put him in the cart and say, “I see you’ve decided to ride in the cart.”

Lighten up: Use humor to gain cooperation. A bit of silliness can often diffuse the tension and get your child to cooperate willingly. It also can help you feel better about your day. And even more, it helps you keep your perspective. Many of the daily issues between parent and child don’t warrant a major battle, many can be handled in a more cheerful way with better results.

Stay calm: Avoid letting your emotions take control. Don’t yell, threaten, criticize or belittle. Instead, ask yourself a question, “What is the problem?”  Then, make a statement of fact to your child, such as, “There are dirty dishes and snack wrappers in the TV room.” Pause. Be silent. And stare at your children. It’s amazing that kids will know exactly what you’re thinking. Most often, they’ll respond by cleaning up. If not, back up your approach with one of the other solutions.

Playing to Win: Cooperation Games

Children see life as one big game – so why not take advantage of that? Nearly any task can be turned into a game with very little effort. Some games can be a one-time fix; others can become part of your regular routine. Look at these situations – first the standard serious parent approach (that often leads to fussing and tantrums), and then the Game approach. Imagine your child’s response to both:

Serious:  “Pick up your toys and put them in the toy box.”

Game:  “I bet I can pick up all the blue cars before you pick up the red ones!”

Serious:  “Put your pajamas on – now!”

Game:  “I’m going to set the timer for ten minutes. I wonder if you can beat the bell and get your pajamas on before it rings?”

Sing a Song

Even if you can’t carry a tune, putting anything to music makes you easier to listen to and fun, too. You can wash your child’s hands while singing “This is the way we wash our hands, wash our hands.” One mom of five that I know discovered a great way to keep her children content during car rides. She loved to sing, so she made up opera tunes about the scenes she saw as she drove along the road. Her kids would often chime in with their own versions.

Use knowledge and skills: Read parenting books and learn new skills. Raising children is a complicated job and ever-changing. There are times when every parent and caregiver can use some help. There are many books available to parents to help get through the day-to-day issues you face with your children. In the vast assortment of books and articles about parenting, you should be able to find ideas for just about any problem or issue you are currently dealing with. Every child is different, and every parent is different. Because of this, there are no cookie-cutter solutions that will work for everyone. I suggest that you review all the solutions you discover and take a few quiet minutes to think about them. Modify the suggestions to best suit your family, and don’t be afraid to try out more than one until you discover your best answer.

by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth                                                             The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007)