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Blending Families

 

What is a "blended family?" The blended family referred to in this article is the family where both parents bring children from other marriages or other relationships into their marriage. Both sets of children may spend time with their other parent as well as the parent who has remarried. The following statistics are a result of blended family challenges:

• By 2010, blended families will be the most common type of family in America
• Most blended families don't make it to their 5th anniversary
• Statistically, 60% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006)

 

These statistics can be frightening to parents who decide to marry or cohabitate when either or both has children from other relationships. In order to avoid becoming one of the above statistics you might want to remember:

• Things won't be perfect just because you want them to be.
• Good relationships take time and patience.
• It may be difficult to automatically love each other's children.
• Children need time to trust the new adult in their home as well as any other children that may now be living with them.
• Take things one step at a time.

 

Communication is the key to establishing a solid foundation for your restructured family. Take the time to share your personal interests and goals for your newly structured family. Both partners need an opportunity to share without interruption from the other. After your interests and goals are discussed, create a list of mutual goals in order to give direction to creating your new family structure. This will be your draft to present to all of your children for their input.

Set up a time for a "family" meeting. At the start of this meeting tell your children the two of you have created a list of goals that are important to the two of you, but you both want input from your children before implementing house rules. Create a list of expectations for behavior during the meeting - i.e. no interrupting when someone else speaks, no criticism or judgment of another's ideas, each person will have an opportunity to be heard, treat each family member respectfully. Be prepared to address their objections:

• They may not yet see themselves as "family," so you may need to explain to them that they may not feel like a family yet, but that is one of the reasons for having the meeting.
• They may feel they are being manipulated and object to participating. That's OK. Don't let it stop the meeting. Once they understand that you truly want their input they may change their minds.
• Help all children in the household understand that their blended family will not replace their other family. They will continue to see their other parent and those relatives as often as they always have, and their newly structured family will not replace their individual time with either of their parents.

 

Proceed with a brainstorming process sharing your goals and asking for their ideas on what house rules may be necessary in order to help each family member feel respected. (Brainstorming is not a time to pass judgment on one another's statements. It is a time to discover what each family member may be concerned about - whether or not it is an adult concern.) Some challenges you may want to consider when discussing house rules:

• Siblings may want to share space, regardless of their age - as opposed to sharing space with same age or same gender step-siblings
• What is each new family member responsible for?
• What are the house rules for respectful behaviors?
• What routines need to be in place in order for the family to function well?
• What role does each parent have with their step-children?
• What process needs to be in place for conflict management?
• What rules need to be in place for respecting each other's personal belongings and personal space?

 

These are just a few concerns that may need to be addressed. Each family will come up with their own set of challenges and solutions. Whatever challenges arise, you can be guaranteed that adult role modeling is an important step to successfully blending two households.

From that perspective, a healthy couple relationship is crucial. Newly married couples with no children tend to spend their first few months of marriage building their relationship. When children are involved, couples tend to be consumed with the needs of their own children rather than with each other. Children rely on the adults in their lives to provide a safe, secure home environment; so putting your children first in a remarriage is a good approach. However, the couple relationship needs to be a priority too. When children see love, respect and open communication in the couple relationship they will feel more secure and may be inclined to mimic those behaviors as they adjust to their new home environment. Loving relationships can survive with some forethought and planning.

1. Set aside couple time every day, even if just for a few minutes to share or celebrate your individual daily successes or concerns.
2. Set aside time on a weekly basis just to discuss children - what works or what may need attention.
3. Present a unified approach to children. Arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to manipulate one against the other.
4. In the beginning of the relationship it is important for the step-parent to bond with non-biological children in the household. Each parent may want to handle the discipline of their own children until a friendship and trust has been established between step-parent and step-children.
5. Recognize your individual parenting styles and find a way to complement one another rather than cause division. For instance: One parent may be stricter or more permissive than the other. Decide what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable for all the children involved and set up routines to help eliminate some of those disagreements.
6. It may be difficult, but do your best to keep children's issues out of the marriage relationship.

 

The blending of families can be stressful especially when juggling the challenges of work, extra-curricular activities, and co-parenting with your children's other parent. This article isn't intended to provide all the answers, but to offer suggestions on how to make this process of blending families a little less stressful. There is available help for families through a variety of programs offered by Certified Family Life Educators or Mental Health Professionals where you live.

Those families who seek extra help and support when challenges arise are the families that will not become one of the statistics listed at the beginning of this article.

If you would like more information on Blending Families visit www.parentstooltalk.com to listen to the live radio program under Blog Talk Radio.