Parentalk Newsletter Archive

Parenting Partnerships, Inc. provides family life education
that strengthens and stabilizes family relationships.

Children's Best Interest

Undoubtedly, parenting is the single most important job anyone can undertake. Yet, it is the one job that most adults are totally unprepared for. Even when you make it your business to investigate every possible avenue of support and education, parenting is still a constantly changing process. This process is influenced by your expectations, what you and your children's other parent bring into the relationship, the ages and stages of your children, and their individual temperaments.

Other aspects of family dynamics affect your parenting. Do both parents work? Are there two parents in the household? Are you co-parenting or single parenting? Do grandparents or extended family live close by? What income are you working with? Is your family living in a rural, suburban or urban area? Is it any wonder there are no easy solutions when it comes to looking after your children's best interest?

You look after your children's best interest when you support their need for food, clothing, shelter, physical health, and education. You also add to your child's experience bank when you encourage them to participate in sports, dancing or other forms of art, scouts, and faith based programs. You also look after your children's best interest when you provide consistent discipline and role model appropriate behaviors. These are all important parenting skills. However, by the time you cover all the basics, it's easy to overlook your child's most basic human need - a sense of belonging.

You can provide every opportunity for growth and be the most skilled parent possible, but if you are not tending to your child's very basic need for belonging, those skills will be challenged on a daily basis. Children gain a sense of belonging when they:

• are treated as a valued family member
• are genuinely listened to
• have opportunities to make significant contributions to the family
• are allowed to make mistakes without fear of unrelated and unrealistic consequences
• can trust their parents to be respectful and consistent
• feel loved unconditionally - no matter what they may do or say.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to treat their other parent respectfully and give your children permission and encouragement to love you both. This is especially important for families that have experienced divorce. There are no exceptions to this rule. Children are changed forever when they are led to believe that one of their parents does not love them.

In extreme cases where there is abandonment or abuse, children may not have the opportunity to interact with their other parent. It is still important for children to get the message that they are loved by their other parent. In the event of abandonment, the message may sound like "I know if (their other parent) ever got to know you he/she would love you like I do." In the event there is an abusive parent that is prevented from access to their child, "Your other parent is struggling with his/her own personal issues. But, that doesn't mean he/she doesn't love you." You cannot control another's behavior, but you can control how you react to it.

As hard as it may be to let go of your own disappointments and frustrations with your child's other parent, it is so necessary to look after your child's best interest. There will come a time when an explanation of abandonment and abuse is appropriate. Give your children age appropriate truthful information, but make sure they do not feel unloved. If your child is fortunate to have one parent who understands how important that message of love is, they will be able to deal with the rest as they mature.

When you take the time to develop and nurture a loving relationship between you and your child, you are truly looking after your child's best interest. Make sure the message of love gets through. You will have greater influence. You will experience more cooperation. You will experience more joy.

Parenting Challenge

Several parents have asked us about power struggles and their teenagers. It seems they are constantly battling. If it's not one thing it is another. This can be extremely frustrating for both parents and their teenager. Here are a few tips that may help:

• Pick your battles. Give a little and let safer issues go. Save your battles for those issues that are life threatening (curfews, drinking, driving, drugs, and sex), or when the consequences will have long lasting effects, such as school work.
• Offer choices, or help your teen examine his or her options. Not doing school work is NOT an option. However, WHEN this work is done may be negotiable (right after school - before dinner - after dinner - before socializing with friends).
• Focus on what your teen does well and give him or her recognition and appreciation.
• Celebrate progress, "I can see you have put a lot of thought into this." Or, "I appreciate the effort you put into this."

Teach anger management skills. When things are tense and verbalizations are loud and disrespectful, CALMLY - RESPECTFULLY tell your teen, "When you can speak to me in a respectful tone, with respectful words, we will talk about.