Parentalk Newsletter Archive

Parenting Partnerships, Inc. provides family life education
that strengthens and stabilizes family relationships.

Positive Influence

How often have you said to yourself "They never listen to a word I say," or "Everything I say just seems to go in one ear and out the other," or here's an old one, "I can talk 'til I'm blue in the face and nobody seems to pay attention." How often do those you love or care about pay attention to what you have to say? If they don't pay attention, chances are you have few opportunities to offer appropriate guidance or the encouragement necessary for them to do what is healthy for their emotional, physical, or intellectual growth.

Many people have someone in their lives that influenced them in a positive way - that person who made them feel good about themselves. That person may have been your parent, grandparent, teacher, mentor or a friend. Who was that person for you? What was it about that person that that made you feel good about yourself? What did they do or say that was so different from others in your life?

Years ago there was a mother of four young children who had just transferred to another state because of her husband's job. This mother got involved in her children's school in order to meet others and learn about her community. She moved from a smaller community where there was a lot of support for parents and their children. She missed the parenting support, so she talked with a few other mothers and together they were able to convince professionals in the community to offer monthly parenting seminars or workshops that - by today's standards - are considered continuing education for parents.

These programs were fairly well attended by parents with children at that school. Soon the word got around and parents in other schools throughout the community began attending. Before long the superintendent of the district approached that mom about starting a district wide program. That district wide program became a successful program, not so much because of what that mom brought to the district, but because of those she was privileged to work with and because of one assistant superintendent.

That one assistant superintendent took one mom with a high school education, offered her encouragement, many hours of training, and what appeared to be a belief in her ability to transform the communication between families and school. He was ultimately responsible for her gaining the confidence to go back to college, get her degree, and open her own business. What do you think he did to influence her enough to make that big of a difference in her life?

• He was a good listener. He liked to talk too, but he listened first.
• She was treated respectfully - as if she always had something significant to contribute.
• He avoided saying no to proposed ideas. He took things one step further and investigated possibilities. Things didn't always work out, but it was surely a confidence builder to have those ideas validated.
• He worked with her to find solutions - to possible or many times probable roadblocks.
• She was treated as though her time was as valuable as his.
• He helped her gain the tools she needed to run the program, either through training or leading her to others who could help.

Chances are this mom wasn't the only person that benefited from knowing this assistant superintendent. There were those in the community that thought he was wonderful. There were also those that saw only negatives, and outside of that community there are probably very few that ever heard of him. For those who were touched by his amazing ability to make them feel like capable contributors to the community, he is unforgettable. Thanks Charlie.

What is so special about the person who positively influenced you? What similar characteristics or behaviors do you experience when in that person's presence? What is keeping you from becoming a positive influence in the life of someone you care about? Sometimes it only takes one small change to make a big difference. Do you:

• Take the time to listen without trying to fix?
• Acknowledge and validate feelings?
• Treat your child respectfully - the way you would like for him or her to treat you?
• Teach your children life skills they will need as adults?
• Facilitate mutual problem solving?
• Create opportunities for success?
• Have realistic expectations - both developmentally and emotionally?
• Love your child unconditionally?

Listen Without Fixing

Adults are often under the mistaken idea that it is their job to fix children's problems. How will children ever learn to solve their own problems if they are never given an opportunity? When children ask questions or engage you in conversations just listen. You can ask open-ended questions to help them process their feelings or sort through problems, but it is best that you just listen. If you feel compelled to help them resolve their problems facilitate mutual problem solving.

Acknowledge and Validate Feelings

One mistake adults make when interacting with children is to invalidate that child's feelings. Feelings are neither wrong nor right, they are just feelings, and they belong to their owner. No one feels things the way you do, and you will rarely feel the way someone else does - most particularly your children. Sometimes it is as simple as saying, "I can see that upsets you," or asking "How do you feel about that?" Just show genuine concern for what and how your child is feeling and you will learn more than you ever hoped to about your child.

Treat your Child Respectfully

The easiest way to see respectful behaviors from your children is to model them. Treat your children the way you want them to treat you. Speak to them the way you want them to speak to you. Honor your children as you would want them to honor you. The time you give to them will be the time you have most wisely invested.

Teach Life Skills

Life skills can be anything from learning to cook, clean, or do laundry, to making good decisions, conflict management, anger management and problem solving. If you do all those things for your children they will not learn how to do them for themselves. (See our archived newsletter titled "Twelve Ways to Raise a Responsible Child.")

Facilitate Mutual Problem Solving

The person with the problem is usually the person with the best solution. However, sometimes it takes some processing to come up with that solution. Use open-ended questions (they start with who, what, when, where, and how and can't be answered with a yes or no) to facilitate the problem-solving process. If you feel compelled to "fix-it" for your children at least start your sentence with "What do you think would happen if you ----"

Create Opportunities for Success

Some tasks are just too overwhelming for children. If necessary break those tasks into smaller segments to give children a sense of achievement. For instance - 10 math problems may seem overwhelming to a 6 year old. Work with them for the first one; ask them to complete the next two by themselves, etc. By the time they come to you a second time for validation they will probably have worked the rest by themselves. Another example: If your child tries unsuccessfully to tie their shoes or color inside the lines assure them they will be able to do these things when their body is ready. Fine motors skills are a function of muscle development - until those fine muscles are developed don't frustrate your child with repeated attempts if they are not willing participants.

Realistic Expectations

Children are not miniature adults. From the time you are born your brain makes millions of neuron connections. Each experience creates more connections. It is unrealistic to believe that a five or ten year old has the same experience level as that of an adult. A child's ability to understand and process information cannot possibly match that of an adult. Many times adult expectations frustrate children and result in misbehavior.

Unconditional Love

It doesn't get any easier than this. Children do better when they feel better. What greater feeling is there than to know your parents love you no matter what.