Parentalk Newsletter Archive

Parenting Partnerships, Inc. provides family life education
that strengthens and stabilizes family relationships.

Raising Courageous Kids

"Our greatest monuments to those who take risks and make sacrifices on behalf of others are not made of stone, steel and glass. They are not found in parks, on city streets, or in public buildings. The greatest monument is an enduring shift in the human spirit, a transformation made possible by the caring of others. The gift of courage is a celebration of the power of the human spirit. The care we provide from the moment children enter our lives makes such character possible. Because of us, our children may say, "I too am one of these" in the difficult days to come. Every child who finds the courage to stand up to fear and the heroism to care about others is a gift to humanity. We need true heroes in an age that requires noble deeds."

This quote is an excerpt from Raising Courageous Kids, by Dr. Charles A. Smith, Kansas State University. Following are questions answered by Dr. Smith, which will give you an idea of his concepts in courage and heroism.

What is courage?

Courage is overcoming fear to persevere. Courage is a choice to act decisively instead of retreating. Courage is an essential ingredient, a keystone virtue, for such positive human qualities as faith, love, hope, sacrifice, honesty, and integrity.

What do you mean by heroism?

Heroism is courage elevated by nobility. A person makes a decision to take a risk or make a sacrifice on behalf of oneself or another. Heroism is not necessarily achievement. Nor are all forms of kindness heroic. Heroism means facing and overcoming fear. Where there is no fear, there can be no heroism.

How are courage and heroism different?

You hear about an experienced mountain climber struggling to reach a summit in horrible weather. Success depends on her courage. Then you discover that the climber is facing her ordeal in order to rescue a stranger with a broken leg at the summit. The presence of an admirable goal makes a difference. A child who is terrified of public speaking needs courage to stand up to give a speech. A child with a severe facial disfigurement who tries out for a school play elevates her courage by the nobility of her effort.

Isn't courage something that only adults show? I don't think of children as courageous.

Since courage is facing fear to persevere, even preschoolers will have moments of courage. Imagine a preschooler climbing up a slide for the first time or a first grader jumping off a diving board. A four-year-old who wakes up in the middle of the night with a nightmare and manages to calm herself enough to go back to sleep shows courage. These little victories are stepping stones to greater accomplishments as children grow older.

Aren't people born heroic?

There are two common misconceptions about heroism. The first is that heroism is innate. Children do have genetic qualities that affect heroic behavior: a bold temperament, sensory acuity, and intelligence. But none of these qualities matter unless they are shaped and elevated by a child's life experience.

But people who act heroically don't really stop and think do they? Don't they just act?

The second misconception underestimates the decision making elements in heroism. The mind can process information and act according to priorities without stopping to consciously reflect on the circumstances. When under great pressure in managing risk, a large number of computations and decisions are made. The mind may be on autopilot, but the instructions were written into the mind's plan well before the event occurred.

Does all heroism involve rescue?

Some courage is similar to the effort of a sprinter. Speed is critical. Other forms of courage are similar to the effort of the long-distance runner. Endurance is critical. This form of courage, in facing a persistent and relentless danger, is no less admirable than the more dramatic form of courage in sudden emergencies. Consider the courage of a child with a severe facial burn or a single mother who works two jobs to keep her family intact.

Isn't it risky for parents to encourage their children to be courageous?

All great accomplishments require courage. Risk is an inevitable part of life. We have to prepare children to face risk with a stout heart and make intelligent decisions. Children need to be "smart with their hearts," not reckless.

What is the most important idea parents should take away from reading Raising Courageous Kids?

That courage is a critical quality that starts at a very young age and unfolds over time because of the contributions of loving relationships.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR:

This newsletter is not generally used to promote books or other publications. However, occasionally I will come across information that is too good to pass up. This is one of those occasions. If you are interested in ordering this book, please visit: www.raisingcourageouskids.com.

If you are interested in a more detailed workshop for your organization, please email: deborah@parentingpartnerships.com.

PARENTING CHALLENGE:

We have only been married for a few months. He has children and I don't. I've heard Dr. Phil and Oprah both say that the marriage should come first, above children. Does this apply to step family situations? We get along great until his children come over, and then I'm pushed back to 4th on his priority list. I know it sounds childish, but we are newlyweds and I think that he should put our relationship first or at least even. What do you think?

This question addresses the delicate balance in families whether co-parenting or not. Children should come first under most circumstances. Since it appears they don't live with you and their father, their time with their father is limited. So when they do visit, they should be a priority. However, when couples are co-parenting, each co-parent is establishing a "new family structure" for their children. Here are some concepts to keep in mind:

• His children did not cause the divorce, but they pay dearly for the breakup of their original family.
• They need his attention and approval as much, if not more now, than they did when he was living with them.
• They need to feel as much a part of his life as they always have.
• You may be a threat to their relationship with their father. They may fear his attachment to you will cause him to lose interest in them.
• It is up to you and your husband to allay these fears in order to establish this new family structure for his children. The fact that they now have two families to love them can be a blessing.
• You need to interact with his children and assure them that they will always be a part of their dad's life. It may take time for them to accept you as part of their family, but with patience and a lot of love, it will happen. It can't be forced however.

Now on the other side of this picture, it is up to your husband to make sure his children understand what an important part of his life you are. You should not be excluded from family activities, nor should he allow his children to show disrespect for you in any way. There should never be a question of his making a choice between you and his children. There may be times when he wants to spend one-on-one time with his children, and that is fine and actually very healthy. One-on-one is exactly that, time spent with one child at a time - a special time. Parents rarely ever take the time to be with one child at a time, when visitation is restrictive. This is where you can step in to help. During weekend visitations, you can spend an hour or two with his other children while he takes some one-on-one time with each. It will give you and your husband an opportunity to establish a healthy relationship with them.

Children can become very manipulative when their parents divorce. It is sometimes difficult to determine, and something parents don't want to see. If you and your husband formulate a parenting plan that incorporates a new family structure for his children, not only will both of you keep your relationship healthy, but it will be a healthier relationship for his children as well.

Do you have a parenting challenge that you would like to see addressed in this newsletter? If so, please email deborah@parentingpartnerships.com. Sharing this information will be helpful to others who may be addressing the same challenges. Confidentiality is guaranteed.