Have you ever been on the dance floor with someone who doesn’t know how to dance? It can be awkward or frustrating to say the least. Not everyone can dance like Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers, but a few dance lessons may really make a difference. Those who usually avoid dancing may learn to enjoy gliding across the floor. But, what does this have to do with family life education?

Well known authors often refer to the dynamics of relationships from the perspective that you do a dance (both partners participate in repetitive interactions) with those that are close to you. You either cooperatively glide across the dance floor, step on each other’s feet occasionally, or a lot, which may cause you to give up the dance. Close relationships are complex and there are no quick fixes, but it may help to understand why you do this dance so you and your loved ones learn steps to help you enjoy dancing with each other.

You and everybody else brings expectations into their close relationships – those with your significant other, or in the relationship you have with your children. Your expectations are formulated very early in life. They are formed by your childhood environment, ideals created by what you observe in movies, media, and books or behaviors demonstrated by those you admire and respect. Often reality doesn’t quite match your expectations. One partner in the relationship may know a dance the other hasn’t yet learned. It isn’t easy to teach the dance to those who mean the most to you, but it is possible.

First you need to understand your perception is your reality. The same goes for your dance partner. There are very few people who share the same reality. You and your partner bring very different perceptions into your relationship because of what you experience growing up. You may have very different educational, cultural or religious backgrounds. You may be the youngest child from a family of four children while your partner is an only child. One of you may have been raised in a family of all girls and the other in a family of all boys, etc. Differing perceptions can be like dancing the Tango with a partner who is dancing a waltz and knows no other way of dancing.

For example:

You may have been raised in a family where emotional honesty (sharing thoughts and feelings) was not practiced. As a result, your perception may be that you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Your partner may have been raised in a family where emotional honesty was an acceptable way to communicate. You may interpret your partner’s emotional honesty as a personal assault. Your partner may interpret your reluctance to share your thoughts and feelings as an unwillingness to participate in the relationship. And now the dance begins. The more your partner tries to Tango (trying to get you to share your feelings) the more you are inclined to Waltz (keeping things quiet and peaceful to avoid conflicts). The result – even though you both are trying to avoid conflict you end up in a full blown argument.

Changing another’s perception is not an easy task and isn’t always possible. In order to identify what perceptions may be changed and what will not change, the next step is to communicate in a manner that is respectful to you both. This requires a lot of listening (your number one communication tool) and a willingness to create a mutually respectful relationship. This can only be accomplished in a calm, peaceful atmosphere. Here are a few tips:

1. Set the stage for solutions. Wait until both partners are calm before addressing any disagreements or disappointments.
2. Use open-ended questions to discover your partner’s perceptions. These are questions that start with What, When, Where, and How. Then LISTEN, LISTEN, AND LISTEN some more.
3. After you have given your partner an opportunity to share his or her perception, check for understanding. In your own words tell your partner what you think you heard. If your interpretation differs, encourage your partner to clarify.
4. Ask permission to share yours. “I think I understand what you are thinking/feeling. Are you ready to hear my thinking/feeling on this subject?”
5. Share your thoughts or feelings using I statements. “I feel, I think, or I wish that.”
6. Give your partner an opportunity to check for their understanding and clarify if necessary.
7. Ask your partner if they have any ideas on how you might be able to work together. This may take some brainstorming.
8. Choose a possible solution and make an agreement to try it for a specified period of time.
9. Thank your partner for their willingness to work with you on this.
10. At the agreed upon time revisit the issue to determine whether or not the solution works for both of you. If it doesn’t go back to step five and try something else.

This communication process may sound complicated and time consuming. It may be the first few times you give it a try. As you both get to know each other better you will probably develop your own version of this communication process. The point is, you may not learn the tango and your partner may never learn the waltz, but you both may learn to foxtrot. Instead of each of you doing your own dance, take the time to learn to dance together. You, your partner and your children will benefit.

PARENTING CHALLENGE:

One of our Parentalk Series participants was at a loss as to how to get her thirteen year old daughter motivated to take responsibility for her school work. Her daughter was forgetting to bring books home to study for a test or not completing homework assignments. Here are some techniques that may be helpful:

• With your daughter, brainstorm ways to keep track of what needs to be done to ensure school success.
• Encourage her to keep a Calendar or Planner each week to remind her when assignments are due.
• Teach her organizational skills such as putting post-it notes on her locker to remind herself to bring books home the day before the test. She may need post-it notes to remind her when homework assignments are due.
• Organize notebooks or folders so all information is easily accessible.
• Set aside a time to go over her agenda for the day or the next day.
• Help her understand her dominant learning style. There are several websites that offer free quizzes to determine dominant learning styles, along with tips that explain what each can do to improve learning. Just type “learning styles” into your search engine.
• Help her set up her own routines and encourage her to stick with them.
• Acknowledge and affirm all successes.

When children and teens learn a new skill they may initially require parental input. However, it is a parent’s job to work themselves out of the job of policing or supervising. Once children experience success with new skills parents need to allow children to go it alone. Parental acknowledgements and affirmations are the way to stay involved.

Do you have a parenting challenge that you would like to see addressed in this newsletter? If so, please email deborah@parentingpartnerships.com. Sharing this information will be helpful to others who may be addressing the same challenges. Confidentiality is guaranteed.