Valentine’s Day is one day out of the year that you are encouraged to keep romance alive. We don’t necessarily promote the commercialization, but we do support the idea of romance, especially if you are a parenting couple.

What’s the connection? The very best life skill you can model for your children is a healthy marriage relationship. Many parenting experts agree, that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. That works the other way too. The best thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father. Too often, once children arrive, couples focus so much of their time and energy on their children; they tend to underestimate the importance of maintaining romance in their marriage relationship. Too often couples focus so much on their problems that they overlook the strengths of their relationship – those strengths which attracted them to one another to begin with.

Artist and author, Thomas Kinkade states, “Romance is not hearts, flowers and violins, although these things can certainly be an enjoyable part of a romantic interlude. Romance is rather a way of encountering the world, a set of habits, an attitude. We are romantic when savoring an experience is a priority for us and we are willing to invest time and energy into making our experience more memorable and vivid.”

We would like to share some ideas to increase romance in your marriage relationship from “Magnificent Marriage,” authored by Dr. Nick Stinnett, Dr. Donnie Hilliard, and Nancy Stinnett.

Making the ordinary into the extraordinary:
“Sometimes the smallest happenings can bring the greatest enjoyment and satisfaction. Romantic events do not have to be as grand and dashing as a trip to Vienna to be meaningful.”

• “He kisses me every morning before we leave to work.”
• “He often will call me at lunch and ask me how my day has been.”
• “My wife does a lot of simple things that let me know she cares. Last year she sent my parents a card on my birthday, congratulating them on raising a great guy.”
• “He periodically leaves love notes for me on the refrigerator.”
• “He listens to me and acts like listening to me is the most important thing in his life and he has all the time in the world for that purpose.”
• “My wife took tennis lessons so we could play together.”

Being spontaneous:
“Spontaneous interaction involves a sharing of inner feelings, thoughts, and ideas in which the inner self of one person reaches out to the inner self of another. This type of interaction is free of calculation, routine, and formality. Just a small increase in spontaneity in marriage can do much to create a more positive atmosphere in the relationship.”

Showing appreciation:
“Nothing is more important in generating and sustaining romance than the expression of appreciation. The records of marriage and family counseling clinics suggest that many – perhaps most – marital complaints and problems stem from a lack of feeling appreciated.” “If my husband/wife would just see my good points . . . if he/she would recognize the worthy things I do and compliment me or let me know he/she is aware of what I do, it would make me feel much better about myself. As it is, he/she just complains and criticizes.”

Expressing sincere appreciation communicates the message, “You are a person of worth and dignity. You have much to contribute to others.” Expressing appreciation also communicates the message, “I am interested in you; I see and acknowledge your positive qualities.” Couples who have happy, lasting marriages pay a lot of attention to each other. Their expressions of appreciation to each other bring a harvest of romance to their relationship.

Planning for good times:
Many couples drift apart because they stop spending time together and because they allow themselves to get into routines where they rarely do anything fun or pleasant together. “Happy couples plan activities and look forward to them. There is anticipation of these times together just as there was when they were courting each other before marriage.”

Parents often complain that their just isn’t enough time or money for these dates. Pleasant or fun activities don’t need to be elaborate or expensive, they can be as simple as watching sunsets or taking walks together. Some couples enjoy morning coffee and conversation or lunch for two.

Expressing kindness and consideration:
“Acts of kindness and consideration play a very important role in creating an atmosphere of romance in the marriage relationship. Kindness and consideration reflect the presence of a high regard for each other and respect for the differences in each other.” Both are essential for romance and marriage happiness. Kindness expresses itself in many different forms – remembering anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions – it’s a hug when one of you is feeling sad – it’s speaking words of encouragement – it’s stopping to listen when your partner really needs to talk. “Kindness overshadows shortcomings and irritations. It creates an atmosphere where romance can blossom.”

If you feel the romance has disappeared in your marriage relationship, jump start romance this Valentine’s Day and vow to keep the romance in your marriage alive throughout the year. Your marriage relationship can become stronger and happier no matter how good or bad it is now.

PARENTING CHALLENGE:

We heard from another Dad this month. This Dad writes: “My wife and I are at odds with discipline. She gets upset with me when I don’t get involved in disciplining the kids, but when I do; she corrects me in front of them. The kids don’t listen to me, so I just stay out of the issues, which makes her angrier. I can’t win either way.”

We hear more and more from Dads that want to be involved in their children’s lives, but don’t quite know how to do that without “stepping on Mom’s toes,” so to speak. It’s definitely a sticky situation for many couples. Here are some suggestions to help you and your wife support each other when it comes to disciplining the kids.

1. Talk to each other about your expectations for your children. You were both raised in different families with different expectations where children were concerned. Share the methods of discipline that each of you experienced growing up. Discuss the positives and negatives of each. Take the positives from both and work together to incorporate those methods into your discipline approach.

1. If you are confused about what works, take a parenting class or work with a family coach together. Discuss what you have learned and apply those techniques that you are both comfortable with.

1. Make an agreement – neither of you should dispute what the other says or does in front of your children. You will always find things you disagree on, but talk about those things when your children can’t overhear you. You can’t provide support for each other when your children do not respect you both.

1. Think about what you want to teach your children before you lay down the law. Ask yourself, “What do I want my children to learn from this experience?” Discipline means to teach, it does not mean to punish. We all learn better when we feel better.

Unfortunately there are no easy answers to any parenting question. That is one of the reasons family life education is helpful. Take advantage of the programs in your community to learn techniques that will make parenting a pleasurable experience for you and your child’s other parent.