Children With Disabilities Want Parents, Teachers and People in their Communities to Treat Them the Same as Their Siblings and Same Aged Peers. The temptation for parents to raise their children with disabilities by a different set of rules is great; in fact this is normal for most parents. Children with disabilities may present severe physical and cognitive challenges or they may be children with invisible disabilities such as a learning disability or Attention Deficit Disorder. I have found in my work with parents over the past 35 years, that many parents have a tendency to overindulge and use inconsistent discipline with their children who have identified disabilities, regardless of the severity. This may create children who are underachievers, tend to be behind their same age peers in social skills, lack problem solving skills, and often have behavioral challenges. Treating children with disabilities differently in the family system may also create resentment and discipline problems in siblings. It is important to use the same set of rules, expectations, schedules and routines for all children in the family. Recently I worked with a family who tried medication, psychiatrists, and counselors to assist with their child’s acting out behaviors in their home and in school. The psychiatrist requested an extensive behavior management program for the child. After observing their child in the school environment and meeting with both parents, I discovered their child was using his behavior to get much needed attention from the parents after a new baby entered the family system. This family needed to give their child appropriate attention, provide him one-on-one time, and add structure and predictable routines in their home. This child’s behavior gave a clear message - “notice me, I am hurting”. Once both parents understood his needs, they were able to change their behavior, instead of focusing on what was wrong with their child. The following wisdoms are effective when teaching parents of children regardless of age, developmental level, or temperament. This information has been adapted from Parenting Partnerships Family Coaching Curriculum developed by Deborah Cashen, CFLE. Teach life skills such as responsibility, problem solving, values, compassion, and cooperation. Develop schedules and routines that help children feel safe and secure. Focus on effort, winning is not everything. Children must learn that they can be a success even though they are not deemed by others to be the best and brightest. Do not rescue! Mistakes are opportunities to learn responsibility and to brainstorm solutions to handle future challenges. Use open-ended questions to build relationships and improve communication. These are questions that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no”. They require some thought before answering and they usually start with “What”, “Where”, “When”, or “How”. Teach children self control. This is an important life skill which involves helping children cope with loss and disappointment. Pick your battles and offer choices. Use limited choices with young children and help older children examine their options. Spend special one-on-one time with each child. Help your children feel good about themselves. Children do better when they feel better. Verbalize love and caring. Make sure the message of love gets throug Children with disabilities are the same inside. They have the same feelings, wants, needs, and desires as children without disabilities. Parents and professionals must remember to treat all children with the same level of dignity and respect, while providing consistent structure and routines. Children need every opportunity to reach their full potential as competent, confident, contributing adults. Susan Marsh, M.Ed., CFLE
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