Many parents are confused about how to handle family conflicts. They don’t want to bully their children, but sometimes being punitive seems to be the only way to handle a situation. They may only see two options: Being a strong, authoritarian, “because I say so” parent who is in control, or being a wimpy, permissive parent who always lets their child win. If your response is to win by force, you cannot hope to reach a peaceful solution. When you inflict your will at the expense of your child’s, you are simply being a bully, and although you might win the battle, you will eventually lose the war. If your response is to let your child win (to avoid the battle), you may be creating a little monster that constantly challenges you, making it harder and harder to avoid the battle.There is a middle ground for handling confrontations. The following eight guidelines are taken from Nancy Samalin’s book “Love and Anger; The Parental Dilemma.” Following these guidelines may bring relative peace to your household and model accepted effective conflict management skills.

1. EXIT OR WAIT
It is possible to act a little nicer than you feel, but not much. For this reason, the two most important four-letter words to remember when you are angry are exit and wait. When you are so incensed that you are about to lose control, exiting or calling time out can give you a breather so that you are not at the mercy of your “short madness.” Attacks that occur in the heat of anger are usually met with reactive anger.

In an angry moment, silence, or a brief withdrawal, is sometimes the safest answer. The wonderful thing about saying nothing is that you never have to take it back. You may worry about leaving the room or waiting to respond, but by stating firmly why you are leaving “I’m so furious with you right now that I am walking out of this room,” you will leave no doubt in your child’s mind that he/she pushed you too far. It is important, when you take time out, that you make it clear that you are exercising self control, not abdicating authority.

2. “I,” NOT “YOU”
When your child does something to make you angry, your automatic response may be to make an accusation: “Why are you behaving like such a brat?” “What kind of slob are you – throwing your jacket on the floor?” “You are impossible!” The message you communicate is that your child is unacceptable, not the action. “You” statements have the ability to wound. “I” statements make the point much more effectively, without damaging a child’s self-esteem. When you are angry, it’s better to say “I’m mad,” not “You’re bad.” State how you feel, rather than make a declaration about your child’s character.

3. STAY IN THE PRESENT
Don’t use the incident as a springboard for gloomy forecasts or as an opportunity to dredge up ancient history or futurize (“You’ll never amount to anything.”) Stick to the present and banish such dire predictions. Avoid lengthy tirades that become an accumulation of other grievances.

4. AVOID PHYSICAL FORCE AND THREATS
If spanking worked, we’d only have to do it once. And when you’ve won by asserting physical power as a big person over a small person, you’ve won nothing. Try not to threaten or punish when you are in the midst of rage. Unreasonable threats, stinging words, and hitting rarely happen when you are calm. You usually end up making threats that are unenforceable and the physical punishments and harsh words are demeaning.

5. STAY SHORT AND TO THE POINT
Beware of long explanations. When a child asks “Why can’t I?” instead of giving him a long lecture that he’s heard many times before, you might ask, “Why do you think?” Or, use humor. “Do you want my two-minute explanation or my twenty-minute explanation?” Kids have endless time to play point-counterpoint, in an effort to wear you down. Don’t be afraid to sound like a broken record, briefly but firmly repeating your instructions. Sometimes one word can communicate everything you want to say: “Walk.” “Door.” “Socks.” “Dishes.”

6. PUT IT IN WRITING.
Writing is good for several reasons – one being that it is a naturally calming activity. It’s hard to maintain rage in the course of getting a piece of paper, finding a pen, sitting down, and forming the words in your head.

7. FOCUS ON THE ESSENTIAL
Are you doing something out of rigidity, or because your parents did it, or because your parents didn’t do it? Are you doing something because that’s the way your friends do it or because your favorite “experts” say to do it that way? Be careful about following advice that is offered as a cure-all. No system is right for everyone. Often the simple question “Will this matter a week from now?” is helpful. Decide what is and isn’t negotiable when setting rules and limits. Allow children reasonable choices where possible and treat them with respect. By letting your kids know that some rules are negotiable, they’re more inclined to be cooperative about the ones that are not up for discussion. A little freedom goes along way toward fostering responsibility.

8. RESTORE GOOD FEELINGS
Parents and children want and need good feelings to prevail, even when the battles become fierce. Time and distance heal many wounds, and a simple apology can diminish resentment and pave the way for reconciliation. Some parents are afraid to let their children see that they are vulnerable. But it is a good lesson for children to learn. We are all weak sometimes. And we all have regrets. When we put a human face on the job of parenting, and acknowledge our imperfections, it makes it easier for good feelings to be restored.These eight techniques are not suggested as infallible formulas for handling parental anger. They are merely options that sometimes help to break an angry stalemate or encourage cooperation. And they don’t always work every time. But parents are empowered by the realization that their “bag of tricks” is not empty, and that there are things they can try – solutions that have worked for others that can work for them too.Adapted from “Love and Anger – The Parental Dilemma” Nancy Samalin with Catherine Whitney, Penguin Books.

ANNOUNCEMENT:
Linda Horan and Jenny Hamlin recently joined Parenting Partnerships, Inc. They will be working with Deborah Cashen and Susan Marsh in the Houston and The Woodlands offices. Both have family mediation and parenting coordination training, as well as a solid background working directly with families. Their bios will be posted on our updated website some time this month.

PARENTING CHALLENGE:
My teenage son is objecting to parenting time with his father. He has baseball practice and games on the weekends he is supposed to be with his father, and his father objects to the time taken away from his parenting time. He also likes to spend time with his friends, which isn’t always possible because his dad lives too far away. How do I convince him he needs to spend time with his dad?This is a tough one. It is understandable that Dad doesn’t want to miss out on parenting time with his son. It is also understandable that your son wants to be with his friends. You don’t mention how old your son is, but if he is over the age of 12 or 13, his friends are becoming much more important to him than his parents. There are several questions you and your son’s father need to address: 

These are just a few of the questions that need to be addressed to resolve this matter. One thing you both need to keep in mind is that teens naturally pull away from their parents. That doesn’t mean that they should have complete control over how much time they spend with each parent however. Parenting time with both parents is still critical. Relationship dynamics between parents and their teens are constantly changing during these maturing years. To loose contact or to put distance between your teen and one of his parents is not a good thing to do. Despite your teenager’s reluctance to spend time with either parent, you both need to make an effort to remain a consistent influence. Your son needs you both in his life while he is making critical decisions about who he is and where he belongs. You may have to change your parenting time schedule in order to accommodate extra curricular activities for your son. Be flexible. Your son’s future depends on it.

Do you have a parenting challenge that you would like to see addressed in this newsletter?  If so, please email deborah@parentingpartnerships.com.  Sharing this information will be helpful to others who may be addressing the same challenges.   Each newsletter will address one challenge submitted by our newsletter audience. Confidentiality is guaranteed.

PARENTING PARTNERSHIPS SERVICES:

FAMILY COACHING:
Are you debating about attending a parenting workshop or class, but you just can’t find the time to make a six or eight week commitment? You may feel you handle most parenting challenges pretty well, but there is one challenge that keeps surfacing and it has you and the rest of your family frustrated. Family Coaching may be for you. Family Coaching is for parents that prefer individual support in order to address specific family challenges. All programs are offered in this format. 

CONFIDENT CO-PARENTING
is an interactive co-parenting course that focuses on the challenges of parenting from separate homes. It fulfills family court requirements for divorce and custody issues. This course can be taken online. For families involved high conflict or repeated legal interactions we offer Co-Parent Coaching – an eight hour individualized program. The completion of this course online and through coaching generates a certificate for those who require verification.

COLLABORATIVE LAW FAMILY COACH 
Collaborative Law is a form of dispute resolution which removes the “win at all costs” approach from divorce. In this process, parties and their attorneys contractually agree at the outset to settle their disputes without going to court. In addition to your attorney, your collaborative team may consist of a family coach (also called a divorce coach, communication facilitator, or relationship specialist) and a financial coach. The Family Coach and the Financial Coach work individually with both clients to provide services designed to increase competence and confidence in order to function at the highest possible level when faced with the task of negotiating a divorce settlement. The work of the Family Coach is client centered, goal driven, and limited in scope to the life transition of divorce.

PARENTING COORDINATION
A parenting coordinator is a professional appointed by the court to help parents implement a workable co-parenting plan.  The goal of a parenting coordinator is to identify disputed issues, reduce misunderstandings, clarify priorities, explore possibilities for problem solving, develop methods of collaboration in parenting, develop a parenting plan, and comply with court orders.

MEDIATION
Parenting Partnerships, Inc. offers Family Mediation. Our experienced mediators are available to help you with parenting plans, family communication and family conflict management.

PREPARATION FOR MEDIATION
If you are in the process of divorce or ongoing custody disputes let us help you prepare for a successful mediation. When you are not prepared for mediation you may feel you are making decisions without the opportunity to think things through. Learn what to expect in the mediation process.

CLASSES:  
Parenting classes are scheduled with our partners is parenting. If you would like to set up a 6 week parenting class for parents in your organization, please contact us for details.

SEMINARS AND WORKSHOPS:
Parenting Partnerships, Inc. can customize a presentation to fit the needs of your organization and present that information at your location. Please call Deborah 281-320-2090 or Susan 713-880-3665 for more details.

YOU ARE WELCOME TO BROWSE OUR WEBSITE FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT SERVICES THAT ARE PROVIDED BY Parenting Partnerships, Inc.